The Killer Dressing Gown - A fashion etiquette piece by MadTwatter

Many of our more fashion conscious and generally reasonable readers may be looking at this article’s title with a sense of confusion and trepidation. If that’s the case then let me say this: you are truly the blessed people; people that sensibly thought the wearing of dressing gowns was reserved for the senile and hyper sexual. Fortunately you have been living in a world free of upper male thigh, pale hairless legs and smooth dainty balls.*

For the purposes of generalization we shall refer to these disturbers of the peace as Dandy Boys (and boys they are: devoid of underpants, leg hair and dignity).

Before we progress further let me first issue a warning – these Dandy boys can come from anywhere! I was unlucky enough to discover a Dandy Boy in a previous residence (let me tell you now that no trip to the living room will leave you safe from an eye scaring experience one wouldn’t hope to find outside of a voyeur film).To make it even worse he was a dear, dear friend.

So what, if anything, can be done about these household menaces? Personal experience suggests these Dandy Boys are quite stubborn in their ways – no doubt a perceived entitlement to comfort is behind it. In any case the following suggestions may prove useful in banishing these boggarts (perverts):

1. Hiding of the gown: Perhaps a good first approach to such a sensitive issue. Hiding the gown behind a vomit-laced couch, or cunningly throwing it out of a window into a small bog/swamp are two tried and tested locations. Be warned though, a serious dressing gown devotee will wade through copious amounts of bodily fluid to recover his prized dress.

2. Shrinking of the gown: Now this is another tried and tested method but please be clear, it is only for more severe cases as it can either prove a solution to your problem or an absolute disaster (depending on the individual Dandy Boy). Now all you have to do is put it in the dryer and jack up the heat. Hopefully if he has the slightest shred of self respect left he’ll simply admit defeat and after a few days of feeling a chilly breeze between his delicate upper thighs, subtly dispose of it forever. Warning: this method can horribly backfire. It’s possible the Dandy Boy is either too naïve to notice his favorite garment now provides the leg coverage of a mini skirt or worse -he gets a kick out of showing a room full of friends his boy bits with the simple flick of his legs.

If neither of these options prove useful then there’s very little else that can be done. Simply destroying the dressing gown will prove useless in the long run as he is just likely to buy a new one; no doubt even silkier and closer fitting than the last. God help us…

*Before people start questioning the unity and shared values of this blogs writing team let me be clear, showing a bit of upper male leg is more than acceptable if, and only if, you posses the following: a reasonable amount of tan, leg definition, hair and shorts that don’t show all.

The Social-Political Implications of 'Your Mum' Jokes

'Your mum' jokes have certainly been the topic of choice for teens across the planet over the past decade, but what are the deeper implications of these seemingly harmless jokes? What do they reflect in the deeper teenage psyche that we have until now overlooked? Freud once claimed that 'your mum' jokes act as a defense mechanism for fragile and vulnerable teenagers seeking to re-divert attention away from topics they feel insecure about (not a true fact). Freud certainly knew a lot about psychology, and a lot about mothers.

But this is not a psychological assessment. Indeed, it is a social assessment. Or, more specifically, it is a social experiment, or one social in nature. As such, and consequently as such, we can deduce a deeper reasoning behind the use of 'your mum' jokes.

It is the purpose of this blog entry to highlight the very fabric and purpose behind the 'your mum' joke. The 'your mum' joke, I propose, highlights the deep gender inequalities present within our society. Why do I make such a claim? Why would I take away the moments of semi-humorous satisfaction that these jokes offer their teenage adherents? The answer is simple. They're socially discriminating. Why so? Because females can't make 'your dad' jokes. This isn't just because females are more mature, serious, intelligent, and attractive than their male counterparts. It's because--wait for it--they're not allowed. Shame on the society that does not allow their female citizens to use these carefully articulated, and wittingly implemented, jokes. Shame on the society that puts limits on the rights of its own citizens to joke. We do not live in a Communist wasteland. Freedom of speech. More like freedom for males to speak. More like freedom for males to make sexually gratuitous jokes about each others mothers who are likely to be law-abiding, hard-working, and overly generous members of our otherwise loafer-filled society.

Thus, we can conclude that: in modern society, the limits put on the use of jokes by females are strikingly similar to when Stalin put limits on the rights of Russians to talk in public (point of article lost in body of argument).

The Big Friendly Giant is a Professor at Oxford University and currently holds the Chair on the Board of Social-Dimensional Relations granted to him for his maniacal over-use of italics in articles.

How short is too short?

So short shorts made a comeback this summer past? For those that flaunted their legs a heightened sense of masculinity over came our cerebrospinal fluid as our very silhouettes put to shame those inferior metro sexual men not proud enough to show off a smidgen of burly man thigh.

For those that didn’t participate in the leg flaunting parade a heightened sense of heterosexuality was established. Now, let me be frank, I belonged to the “guys who wear short shorts are homosexually inclined” faction but this summer I made the switch to the “men who wear short shorts are the peak of manliness” camp.

Let me explain. To folk belonging to the heterosexual movement of contemporary day, the apparent personal dilemma to be conquered is the perception of the exhibition of short shorts and the accompanying skin feature in society- aren’t short shorts gay?

WELL... traditional masculine norms in regard to fashion, as described in Dr. Ronald F. Levant's Masculinity Reconstructed include namely avoidance of femininity; restricted emotions; self-reliance; strength and aggression. So if these rules aren’t compromised, which I believe they don’t necessarily have to be, then there you have it, but not only do these rules provide a basis as to where to draw the line...they also permit some kind of assessment to be established such that the greater the degree the rule is followed, the more masculine the man. One word- Australian Rugby players, if you don't know what I mean click here.

Now that’s not to apply the blanket rule that short shorts aren’t metro sexual...it really depends on how the individual dons them. You see lack of hair shatters the foremost rule- avoidance of femininity; and lack of muscularity breaks both the formerly mentioned rule in conjunction with symbolising a lack of strength and aggression...ie. metrosexuality. For a prime example of the metrosexual style click here.

So once you’ve made the decision that you’re prepared to take male fashion to new lengths let’s talk about the dynamics involved in actually wearing your man-brand. How short is too short? The base of the shorts should sit at about mid thigh (halfway from your knee to your groin) any shorter and you’re looking at extreme gonad exposure any longer and you’re not confident in yourself. Confidence is something you'll find yourself wearing once you've got the look down...you’ll feel confident in your appearance and so will others- "If you've got confidence in your legs, you've got confidence in the company"-An awesome guy.

Did I mention that they're really comfortable...the newly found ventilation aspect feels so natural you'll hate putting on pants for work!

So in closing, short shorts, if you've got the legs and the hair...don them with a new sense of enlightenment . If you don't-hit the gym and the Minoxidil.